Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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