We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
