I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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