based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
