his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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