Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
