i don't like sucking hair
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
