Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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