I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
