I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
