Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
