Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
