Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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