maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
