so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
