The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
