I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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