the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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