Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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