I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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