The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
