u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Me too!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize