I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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