I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
