Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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