Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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