i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
