I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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