I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
