All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
