yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
