We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
