Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
