I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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