I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i came on her dog
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
