I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
