Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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