we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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