he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
