my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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