just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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