I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
