Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
