I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
