I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
