Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
