my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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