I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
