R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
