Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
