I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
