I am puke
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
