Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
