Tell her she can't have a vagina
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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