my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
