I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We need to get me chipped asap
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
