we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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