ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
sex in a hospital.. check
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
